It wasn’t easy, and it took me several attempts before finally coming up with the last version of it, but I’m so glad I did it. It felt amazing to have this big weight being lifted off my shoulders. ”Ahh… that feels great. Now finally everyone knows. It’s out in the open, no need to hide or pretend anymore.”
What came as a surprise, was people’s reactions
I didn’t think people would care about it, in all honesty, and didn’t think for a second anyone would ever sit through 18 minutes of me talking to a camera. But some people did: followers on IG, colleague bloggers/influencers, offline acquaintances, even people from my day job!
Some people were worried: what if putting myself out there hurt me so much I’d have a relapse? How would I deal with the hatred?
Some people were surprised: You??? Really??!! You tried to…? Oh my god, I had no idea, I’m so sorry!
Others, the ones who made me blush the most, congratulated and thanked me: I was told I was brave for showing myself the way I was and not just the pretty, candid moments. For owning myself and my experiences. I was thanked for shedding some light upon a subject that is often kept under the rug or at the bottom of the drawer.
You guys have no idea how proud and happy you’ve made me
Ever since Jonghyun passed away, I promised you I’d write more thoughtful, activist, social justice content. And even though I still’ve got a long way to go with my writing, I get the feeling this video will mark a before~after moment in my life as a blogger, as a content creator. So, for those of you interested in the contents of the video and can speak nor understand Spanish, here are the top 5 facts I mentioned:
People with a history of abuse and mental illness have a different sensitivity to life
You can’t treat people like us like regular people.
We’re aware of our vulnerability. And especially how vulnerable we human beings make ourselves when we open up to other people. People with a history of abuse and/or mental illness are highly aware of this and we often come off as guarded because of it. It’s hard for us to trust people and, believe us: we’re not paying tug war with you nor do we do this for attention. We’re just figuring out, on our personal pace, if we can trust you enough to put our vulnerability into your hands — because that’s what love is all about: I willingly hand you my heart and my vulnerable self. I trust you with them, even when I’m highly aware I’m giving you the ultimate tool to hurt me.
If you don’t have the patience and the sensitivity to deal with people like us, please, please, walk away. If you care about us as much as you say you do, please walk away. Make room for the people who have the empathy of dealing with people like us.
We’re like a broken cup glued together
That’s how we are.
We all have our scars. Those patches of skin that are smoother than the rest. That are more sensitive to the touch. Those scars that, pointed and prodded “properly” will trigger the ancient reasons that created them in the first place. We might panic, we might scream or cry. Our fight or flight response might be triggered. Who knows, it’s different for each person.
But it happens.
No matter how collected we look like day after day, we all have the scars of the fights with our own demons. We all get triggered at some point.
That’s perfectly normal. It doesn’t mean we didn’t recover. Just like forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. The mind and the body recovers (forgives), but they never forget.
We need sensitive people because we’re all at different stages or recovery
With the years and intense daily work, I was able to remove, from the roots, the ideas that had served as the foundation for my suicidal thoughts. I was also able to remove the people who were (purposely and not) triggering me back into those thoughts. I was able to build new thoughts and beliefs about myself that oppose the old ones. I invalidated the lies.
But that’s just me.
Other people take far longer to get to the place I’m at at the moment, and some never do. Some are stuck in a vicious cycle of negative, poisonous thinking that consumes them. Every. Day.
Which is why I think that disregarding remarks are dangerous
Because they can drive people to the other side of the edge.
When you tell someone they aren’t worthy of love because they’re broken, you’re feeding the thought that they don’t deserve to be loved because they’re struggling.
When you tell someone they’re going to die a virgin because they can’t read flirting ques, you’re feeding both the patriarchy and the thought that being a virgin is unacceptable and that sex is the only thing worth living for. You’re making their insecurities worse and shaking their entire self-worth system.
When you tell someone you’re not going to make *insert here a dream/goal*, you’re feeling the thought that only a few select people get to do certain things and that they don’t stand a chance.
When you tell someone that no one’s going to miss them if they kill themselves, you’re basically pushing the person to the limit of actually going through.
You’re so bitter all the time with this social justice thing. Relax/get a boyfriend/you need a good d*ck.
I won’t explain why it’s wrong to say I need a dick or a boyfriend (I’m honestly too tired of deconstructing this piece of sexism), but I will tell you why I won’t relax and why I will occasionally be/look bitter:
I have moments of happiness, and I certainly won’t deny myself the joy of feeling happy/joyful because others have it worse than me, but I can’t look the other way.
I am fully aware that I have privileges that make my life easier that others don’t have. And I intend to use that privilege to speak up for those who can’t or won’t be heard. It is, in my opinion, the least I can do for the world we currently live in.
So if you don’t like that, just know that I’m currently lifting my middle finger at you and waving good-bye 😉
Knitted hat is old
Polka dots shirt is old
Mustard sweater from Americanino
Necklace is old
Plaid pants from Zara
Stripped socks are old
Patent leather shoes from Febo